Ok, the belly has officially outgrown all of my maternity clothes. Mid drift shirts aren’t totally appropriate summer attire when you’re pregnant right?! Two weeks until baby day and there is no way I’m buying more maternity clothes. I’m thinking maybe I could bring the toga back in style.
Big belly and pouty face aside, I’ve actually had quite a bit of energy this week. It’s been really refreshing to be able to just feel a bit more functional. The hardest part of having energy is definitely trying not to overdo it. When you’re chronically sick, the first thing you want to do when you’re feeling better is take over the world… or at least mop the floors and get through the mile high pile of laundry you haven’t been able to do. I’m having to remind myself to set a slower pace and reel it in a bit. All that overextending myself ever got me was more time served in the confines of my bed.
Our bodies can be so beyond frustrating. All we want to do is live a “normal” life and be active! When you have a chronic illness, that can be just too much to ask for. Being able to adapt is the only way to maintain our body, mind, and spirit.
A few things I do (or try to do) to keep myself in check when the energy is flowing:
1. I set a timer. I’ll allow myself 20 minutes to be active, getting that laundry done, cleaning around the pool, etc. Then it’s 30 minutes of rest. This little work mambo has been very beneficial.
2. My sweetie is my accountability partner. If he knows that I’m going to be running around with kids, staying busy with work, etc., he keeps me in check. He will call/text frequently to make sure I’m not wearing myself down and I’m very thankful for that! Sometimes time just slips by and I don’t even realize I’m way overextending myself.
Ah yes, nothing like a little preterm labor whilst trying to enjoy a family dinner! I’d been having steady contractions for 2 hours before this lovely photo was taken but I was certain that they were just Braxton Hicks. My honey and I went on to dinner with my two sisters and Mom only to have my contractions get much stronger throughout dinner. Leave it to me to somehow make myself the center of attention and my Mom’s Mothers Day dinner! Good Grief! We headed to the hospital shortly after paying the bill, but not before my two sisters had a little SnapChat fun. (These girls always keep me laughing!)
We were in another city when I when all of this happened so we went to the closest Emergency Room and I was taken right up to labor and delivery. While there, the doctors ran some tests and gave me meds to stop the contractions, and the meds worked. Something else happened while we were there too. You see, this was the hospital I originally wanted to deliver at but I wasn’t able to get a consult with the anesthesia team until right before my due date. Since we weren’t sure if I’d be delivering that night, guess who we got to meet with for a consult? Much to our surprise, the anesthesia team had a much more relaxed idea about my labor and delivery options. They are a level 3 NICU hospital and deal with high risk pregnancies on the regular so when I told them about having Transverse Myelitis, they barely batted an eye. After a short team meeting, the anesthetists told me that if I wanted to have an epidural, it was just fine with them. There are risks no matter what option I went with due to my medical condition, so they told me I should get to make the decision myself. Fast forward to the next day, I’m back home on bedrest and we have made an official venue change. There are no guarantees of course. I could labor too fast to get an epidural and have to go with nothing. I could still need a C-section, but I have what I’ve desired from the beginning, the power to choose.
We have decided to cancel the scheduled C-Section and let nature run it’s course. My hope is to have an epidural and a vaginal delivery of Baby Jax. Our little escapade that landed us at the hospital ended up being a Blessing in disguise and, in my heart, I knew that our decision to go this route was the best option for us.
Here are a few thoughts I have looking back at my labor and delivery options:
- Although getting a second opinion proved to be difficult for us, if you are unhappy or unsure about the options you’re being given about you labor and delivery, definitely seek out another opinion. I absolutely love my current OB, and even the anesthesia team he works with are really great, but the bottom line is that the hospital was not really equipped to handle such a high risk case as my own. My options had to be limited to the confines of what that particular hospital could handle, which was a controlled C-Section under general anesthesia. As much as I wish my current OB doctor could deliver our baby, I’m so thankful that I was able to consult with another hospital.
- Do your research and stick to your guns. There’s probably little doubt that any OB doctor has more knowledge of your super rare disease than you do. Even though the coalition for TM actually recommends an epidural for a number of reasons, I just couldn’t seem to get anyone to understand until I talked to the very flexible anesthesia team and the new hospital
- I’ve known in my heart from the get-go that having a C-section under general anesthesia was not the right option for me. That’s not to say it won’t end up happening anyways but my gut just told me this wasn’t the way to go for me. Trust your heart and your gut. We really do have way more control over our health and treatment options than we realize. Just because a doctor gives XYZ recommendation or prescribes XYZ medication, doesn’t mean it’s always the best option. There are medications and treatments I refuse to take or take part in and it’s 100% my rightful option to say “No” or “I think there’s a better way. I’m not comfortable with this.” It’s yours too!
Let’s just chat about weight gain and self-doubt for a moment shall we? I’ve struggled with how much weight I’ve gained in the pregnancy pretty hard core. After losing 45 pounds just before getting pregnant, gaining over 50 pounds in this pregnancy has been tough. I know, I know, I’m pregnant and I shouldn’t stress or be all full of myself (rolls eyes). But the bottom line here is, I’ve gained more weight in this pregnancy than with any of my previous pregnancies… like WAY more.
This is the first pregnancy I’ve had since being diagnosed with Transverse Myelitis in 2014. With my other pregnancies, I was very active right up until delivery day. This pregnancy has been different. With my mobility very limited, it’s been difficult to get exercise of any kind into my routine, unless you count the number of time I waddle from my bed to the bathroom a day. Already dealing with insecurities and guilt over what I’m not able to do anymore, gaining a bunch of weight just plays into the ugly picture of self-doubt. I’ve spent more time than I’d like to admit feeling sorry for myself and wishing I was healthier for my family. I’ve even had dips of depression all stemming from feeling like I’m not good enough and that I’m not pulling my weight (no pun intended) as a mom, caretaker of the home, and partner. I’ve been stuck in bed for the latter half of my pregnancy and rely heavily on my friends and family to help me with daily living.
See the man in that picture up there? He’s been my rock and has been so patient through my tears, frustrations, and depression. You’d think having a super strong net of support would be more than enough to keep me from the blues but our worst enemy lives within the confines of our minds. It’s my mind that’s breaking me, planting seeds of self disapproval. I write this for the women that have been there, or who are there now. You’re not alone. As positive as I try to be, sometimes I’m just not able to be Captain Sunshine (my whole family can attest to that). My eight year old refers to it as, “Mom’s having one of her pregnancy moments.” Well, that’s partially true I suppose, but we can’t blame the pregnancy on all of our emotions. The reality is that many of the insecurities I’ve tried to bury or overcome since the onset of this illness have just resurfaced.
Sing me those blues:
- Maybe you’ve gained a lot of weight during your pregnancy. Maybe your illness has flared up while pregnant. Maybe you’re wondering if you’re going to be an OK mom and worry that your chronic condition will get in the way of you properly taking care of your baby. Whatever it is that’s holding you down, don’t hold it in. Talk to your spouse, your mom, your best friend, or someone you’ve connected with that has your same illness. Often times just talking about it can relieve the burden of carrying such insecurities.
- It’s OK to seek help, like professional help. If your depression has left you feeling utterly hopeless, talk to your doctor. Heck, talk to your doctor anyways! Let her know that you’re struggling with your emotions right now. Allow her to help guide you to a plan, whether that means medication, counseling, or just more frequent visits. This doesn’t make you crazy! It makes you human.
- Something I’m really working on is positive self-talk. When I have a negative though about myself “I’m getting too fat.”, I make myself say 3 nice things about myself “I am loved, I am an overcomer, I can do this.” I really talk to myself a lot throughout the day. It’s not easy when you’re in that bitter place, but it’s so necessary! Try it!
Thank God for these sweet ultrasounds that serve as a reminder as to why I was crazy enough to be pregnant in my 30’s and with a ridiculous medical condition. Just look at those adorable lips and cheeks! I can’t wait until the day I get kiss that beautiful face. About this time I’m feeling like a kid in the backseat of a car on a long road trip. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? How about now?” I’m really trying to embrace the journey but I’m getting homesick! I’m ready to fit into shoes again (My feet are so swollen and I think I don’t have ankles anymore!), ready to reclaim some mobility, ready for the heartburn to be gone, and ready to maybe not have to sleep with 50 pillows to attempt an hour of comfort before having to get up to pee. Oh and let’s not forget that I’m totally ready to trade my 40oz of Whine for a nice glass of Wine.
I just looooovvveee (sense the sarcasm here) when people say “Must be nice to be in bed all day.” or my favorite, “This is the easy part. Just wait until the baby get’s here!.” Deep breaths Lisa, deep breaths. They know not what they speak of. It’s not like this is my first rodeo, people. This is baby #5 for me and let me tell ya, this has been the most challenging pregnancy yet. I know it’s going to be so very worth all of it when Baby Jax gets here but until then, you’ll hear me whine a bit.
While my body continues to fight me, I do get to enjoy things like watching my belly move when the baby has hiccups and feeling his kicks (unless he’s kicking my ribs or bladder. I’m not required to enjoy that). His sonogram photos make me long for the day I get to hold him and I even have this little wooden toy car that just always seems to make me so happy to look at. I love thinking about him playing with it someday. It’s the little things that help me to stay optimistic throughout all of the big things that threaten to dismember my sanity.
Thought for the day:
What are the “little things” that help you keep your sanity through your pregnancy?
This is a photo of me at my baby shower! My beautiful friend Julie gave me the very sweetest baby shower I could have ever hoped for and it was a lovely time. (She also let me nap on her couch for an hour before the party so I could function through it. My friends know me so well!)
At this point I’m using my arm crutch full time and have resigned to using the super germy scooters at the grocery stores, if or when I even go. Mobility has become a HUGE problem and short distances leave me in severe pain and completely fatigued. Between this giant belly, my hips getting all loosey goosey in preparation for baby, and my spine and legs giving up hope on me, It’s just been an uphill battle. Let’s not leave out the fact that my nervous system is working overtime so the neuropathy and nerve pain is just ridiculous as all get out. “Oh Lisa, but what were you thinking getting pregnant when you already have a debilitating disease?!” (Anyone get asked that frequently?) I’ll take a pass on the judgment and I’ll tell you why!
Transverse Myelitis has stripped away so much from my life. It traps me at every corner and threatens to hold me under, but I’m not having it! I won’t allow TM to define me, to decide that I can’t do anything that is in my heart to do.
Despite all that my body is not able to do anymore, it still carried the ability to grow a miracle. As hard as this pregnancy has been, can you even begin to grasp what that feels like? My body has failed me on every level….but still….here we are. Baby Jaxson is growing and healthy. It’s beautiful beyond measure and I’m abuntantly Blessed. This blog doesn’t serve as a means for me to complain about my pregnancy, but I do think it’s important to impart the reality of what it may be like to go through pregnancy with a chronic illness. It’s a sacrifice. It’s going to hurt, it’s going to drain you, it’s going to require you to pull more strength from yourself than you ever thought possible and you know what? For me, it’s 100% worth it.
A few lessons I’ve taken from my journey so far:
- Beware of the Judgment Zone – It may come from your parents, your friends, your in-laws, or even your own doctors. You are allowed to take a pass on the judgment. Until anyone has walked, tripped, or stumbled in your shoes, they may absolutely NOT pour their opinions about you becoming pregnant with a chronic illness into your life.
- You can do this – I’m not some big bundle of strength. Many times throughout the week, I break down. I get tired of hurting, feeling helpless, and being overcome with guilt about this pregnancy and bringing a baby into this world when I already struggle as a parent. At the end of the day, I have to just remember that if my body wasn’t capable of handling this pregnancy, then it would have rejected it. I can do this. You can too.
- Be nice to yourself – This one is the hardest. We are our own worst critics. Be nice to yourself. Thank God every day that your baby is healthy and your body is carrying on. Breathe deeply – Inhale the positive and exhale the negative. Focus on sending positive thoughts to yourself and your baby. Let the judgement of others be washed away by the support of your friends and family. ❤
Who else here is driving their family crazy with nesting?! I know I am! I’ve become totally neurotic about my house being clean, everything being sanitized, and getting the nursery put together. I cried today because I didn’t have a diaper bag yet and, OMG! we MUST have a diaper bag! Lord, help my poor family right now. What makes it worse is I’m not mobile enough to do any of it on my own so now I’m like the evil queen who sits upon her throne of pillows and nags everyone to utter death about cleaning. “The house feels cluttered. The baby’s crib needs to be put together. What’s that on the floor?! Where’s the bleach!?!?!?” Ah yes, carefree Lisa has been taken over by Aliens… well, one tiny alien. I seriously don’t remember being this completely nuts with my other pregnancies, or maybe that’s something we are programmed to forget, like labor pain. Either way, the Roomba is on 24/7 and I’m panicking over dishes left in the sink.
I have not good advise for you Mammas this week. It is what it is. I think that my inability to take care of things on my own just makes me more crazy. Just be sure to say “sorry” and “thank you” and “I love you” A LOT to your poor, sweet family whom you are torturing right now. Maybe post the definition of “Nesting in Pregnancy” to your refrigerator as a reminder to your spouse and children that this really is temporary and that, soon enough, they’ll get their sweet wife/mom back so they don’t have you committed.
I just have to take some time out to recognize my amazing support system. This is a pic of me at a team work event. I was nervous to even go but when I showed up, husbands were there to park my car for me and help me up the steps. My amazing girlfriends cleared off a space on a comfy couch and fed me and made sure I was comfortable.
Since on bed rest, my friends have set up a meal train for me and have fed our family, which is like feeding a small army. A couple of my girlfriends pitched in to have a housekeeper come to my casa once a week and clean. My kids have picked up additional chores and my sweetheart has been running kids around, coaching basketball and soccer, and picking up extra slack (including me when I can’t get up on my own) all while working and going to school full time.
My heart has been overflowing with gratitude. All of this for me and I have nothing to give in return except a depth of thanks I could never begin to express in words. My friends and family have been a monumental Blessing and I’m overwhelmed by the selflessness and love that have been extended. This is the truest love, Agape love, at it’s very essence. These beautiful and amazing people have sacrificed their own time and resources to extend their goodwill at every moment in this pregnancy. You know who you are and know that I love you so much, that this time will never be forgotten, and that you have impacted my life in such a way that will always be imprinted in my heart. Thank you for loving me, inspiring me, and encouraging me. Thank you uplifting me, for being a shoulder to cry on, for being my family.