Chronically Pregnant – Week 34


Let’s just chat about weight gain and self-doubt for a moment shall we? I’ve struggled with how much weight I’ve gained in the pregnancy pretty hard core. After losing 45 pounds just before getting pregnant, gaining over 50 pounds in this pregnancy has been tough. I know, I know, I’m pregnant and I shouldn’t stress or be all full of myself (rolls eyes). But the bottom line here is, I’ve gained more weight in this pregnancy than with any of my previous pregnancies… like WAY more.

This is the first pregnancy I’ve had since being diagnosed with Transverse Myelitis in 2014. With my other pregnancies, I was very active right up until delivery day. This pregnancy has been different. With my mobility very limited, it’s been difficult to get exercise of any kind into my routine, unless you count the number of time I waddle from my bed to the bathroom a day. Already dealing with insecurities and guilt over what I’m not able to do anymore, gaining a bunch of weight just plays into the ugly picture of self-doubt. I’ve spent more time than I’d like to admit feeling sorry for myself and wishing I was healthier for my family. I’ve even had dips of depression all stemming from feeling like I’m not good enough and that I’m not pulling my weight (no pun intended) as a mom, caretaker of the home, and partner. I’ve been stuck in bed for the latter half of my pregnancy and rely heavily on my friends and family to help me with daily living.

See the man in that picture up there? He’s been my rock and has been so patient through my tears, frustrations, and depression. You’d think having a super strong net of support would be more than enough to keep me from the blues but our worst enemy lives within the confines of our minds. It’s my mind that’s breaking me, planting seeds of self disapproval. I write this for the women that have been there, or who are there now. You’re not alone. As positive as I try to be, sometimes I’m just not able to be Captain Sunshine (my whole family can attest to that). My eight year old refers to it as, “Mom’s having one of her pregnancy moments.” Well, that’s partially true I suppose, but we can’t blame the pregnancy on all of our emotions. The reality is that many of the insecurities I’ve tried to bury or overcome since the onset of this illness have just resurfaced.

Sing me those blues:

  1. Maybe you’ve gained a lot of weight during your pregnancy. Maybe your illness has flared up while pregnant. Maybe you’re wondering if you’re going to be an OK mom and worry that your chronic condition will get in the way of you properly taking care of your baby. Whatever it is that’s holding you down, don’t hold it in. Talk to your spouse, your mom, your best friend, or someone you’ve connected with that has your same illness. Often times just talking about it can relieve the burden of carrying such insecurities.
  2. It’s OK to seek help, like professional help. If your depression has left you feeling utterly hopeless, talk to your doctor. Heck, talk to your doctor anyways! Let her know that you’re struggling with your emotions right now. Allow her to help guide you to a plan, whether that means medication, counseling, or just more frequent visits. This doesn’t make you crazy! It makes you human.
  3. Something I’m really working on is positive self-talk. When I have a negative though about myself “I’m getting too fat.”, I make myself say 3 nice things about myself “I am loved, I am an overcomer, I can do this.” I really talk to myself a lot throughout the day. It’s not easy when you’re in that bitter place, but it’s so necessary! Try it!

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