It was merely hours after Baby Jax was born that we started to notice he was having some pretty significant tremors. The doctors and I knew this could happen and I was afraid of it happening. Jax was going through withdrawls from the Ativan that I have to take to keep my own tremors under control. The decision was made that he needed to be in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit for more careful observation. I was crushed as they wheeled my baby away from my room. The weight of the guilt I had for causing my son to have to go through this was completely overwhelming. My baby was suffering because of my chronic illness.
I had stopped taking as many of my medications as possible and I titrated down to the lowest dose of Ativan I was able to take without causing myself harm from violent spasms and tremors early on in my pregnancy. The OBGYN told me that Jax could be born with some withdrawl from the medication but it was too much of a risk to my own health for me to stop taking the medication all together. This did nothing to make me feel at all justified when I saw my son going through his own spasms and tremors all because I had to take medication to help stop mine.
Thankfully he only stayed in the NICU for 4 days. It felt like he was there forever. I went every two hours to nurse him and cried every time. I just wanted to take my baby home. I continued to stay admitted to the hospital because it took 3 days for my epidural to wear off. The anesthesiologist explained that because some of the nerves in my spine were not protected by the myelin sheath, they were thus exposed and it would take longer for the medication to fully wear out of my system. On day three, I was discharged from the hospital when my sweetie and I went to stay at the Ronald McDonald house.
The Ronald McDonald House was amazing. I will never ever again go to a McDonalds and not place my extra change in their charity bucket. They made our stay as comfortable as possible. I was an emotional mess and not having to think about where I was going to sleep or meals, and being within walking distance from the hospital made the situation more tolerable. I think if I’d had been discharged home, I would have ended up sleeping in waiting room just to stay close to him. I’m very, very grateful to the volunteers, staff, and to McDonalds for making it possible for families to be close to their children during hospitalizations.
Finally, on day 4, it was time to take Jax home! We were so very excited! He got a clean bill of health, his tremors had stopped, and we were all going to be in the comfort of our home as a family.
Now I just needed to get my body straightened back out…